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Trust me, I know all about dedication. I’ve been holding in my stomach for about three years now!
Is work stressing you out and making you upset? Just take a deep breath, and hold it for about 20 minutes.
The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a dancing monkey covered in glitter. Without the monkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby.
Need to make your place look super creepy cool but lack a smoke machine? Never fear! Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Turns out cops get really mad if you slip out of your handcuffs, even if you say “Ta-Da” and have jazz hands after you do it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates, either.
If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.
A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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