My son loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell him that they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.
Judging by all the crackling and popping noises my body makes when I get up in the morning or work out, I’d say I’m about 87% Rice Krispies.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they got to all those other houses.
To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
If there is a zombie apocalypse, I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers!
When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo. Best. Game. Ever.
Coolest jobs: 1) Beer maker 2) Secretary of War 3) Ninja 4) Guy who pushes scared skydivers
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and meet them there later.
I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.
Hate when my girlfriend asks me to hold her purse in the grocery store line because I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.
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