Hate when my girlfriend asks me to hold her purse in the grocery store line because I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.
Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?
My boss told me if I kept showing up late he’d give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know my tastes in women’s underwear?
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I have failed math eleventeen times or so.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a mullet.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff, either. Stop perspiring on everything and take your sweaty butt somewhere else!
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except one song.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.
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