It’s another installation of completely amazing guidance to achieve all your Hobo Ninja dreams! What realistic and completely useful information do we have for you today? Well, grab a shopping cart and a can opener, because today we will be telling you all about how to become a Crazy Cat Lady (or perhaps the more politically correct terminology would be “Crazy Cat Person“)!
How To Become a Crazy Cat Lady (or Crazy Cat Person)
Step 1.) Dress for the job you want, not the job you have…
In this case, we mean dress like a Crazy Cat Lady. You may be asking “but what does a Crazy Cat Lady wear?” and that is a very valid question. It depends on the degree of Cat Ladydom. If you just want that eccentric “I really really like cats” look, we suggest some kitten appliques applied to your jeans and/or messenger bags, festive cat sweaters (think ugly Christmas sweaters, but covered in cats), and tons of kitty accessories (we are particularly fond of cat watches and brooches). If you are determined to go what we will call “Hardcore Cat Woman”, then you will need several of the previously mentioned items combined with a trench coat (preferably covered in stray cat fur) and perhaps a couple knit hats to slip over your tangled hair (your cats love you just the way you are, you don’t have to be all fancy for them).
Step 2.) It was love at first sight, several times…
Time to get dedicated! Take a trip to your local shelter (do NOT go to a pet store when there are so many kitties already in need of good homes) and start falling in love. We suggest starting with two or three cats just to get your toes wet. Once you start to add to your original clan, make sure to do it slowly so the new additions have time to get adjusted. Also, never turn down a stray. A fluffy face is a friendly face, so welcome them in with tuna!
Step 3.) Stock up, stock down, stock all around!
You don’t want your kitties to go without, so make sure to spend every spare cent you own on special food, treats, and toys for your rambunctious friends. If you are able to neatly store all your cat items out of sight, then you simply do not have enough. Your home should be truly overflowing with kitty paraphernalia.
Step 4.) You name it, you keep it!
Make sure you are naming your cats with only the most nauseatingly adorable cutesy names. Simple “fluffy” will not do here. Our suggestions include (but are not limited to) Sir Fluffykins, Bootsy-Wootsy, Lady Prissy Paws, Fuzzy Freddipuss, and Mrs. Whiskerella. We also suggest taking tons of pictures of your too-cute kitty herd in order to complete Step 5.
Step 5.) And this one is such a little diva! And this one, he loves the rain!
You can’t be a Crazy Cat Lady and only casually mention your beloved companions. Any Crazy Cat Lady who is truly crazy about her critters will mention at least a few of her fluffy friends in every conversation possible. Rita just had a baby? Miss Tootsy Tails is having kittens soon! Frank is taking a vacation? Here is a picture of my beloved Sir Fluffykins on our trip to Tuna Land last fall! You may have to stretch it a bit, but you should theoretically be able to fit them in to any conversation! Besides, who wouldn’t want to hear about your cats, right?!?
Step 6.) Cats are WAY better then any people you know…
Cut out all human interaction that isn’t necessary (we know you have to work to pay for keeping up all those kitties at home, and that is forgivable, but only that!) “Going out for dinner” should only mean going to pick up something especially yummy for the fluffy faces at home. You don’t need to go to the movies, because you will be entertained for hours at a time by the shenanigans that your kitty companions get into. You don’t need a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, because your cats provide all the love you will ever need and more!
By following these simple steps and allowing yourself to become immersed and obsessed with your cats, you should be able to call yourself a Crazy Cat Lady in no time! Over the years, people will recognize you as “that lady”, and you will forget all about the friends and social interaction you may have had before. The local grocery store will hold cases of Fancy Feast aside for you because you will be loading your buggy full of it every visit. You will always smell of ‘Ode du Catnip’, and you will love it. Just remember, your cats will always truly love and understand you, so why do you need anything or anyone else?