It’s time for another heart-warming and ever-useful installation of The Helpful Hobo! Today’s edition will teach you how to be one of those neighbors. We have all had them, so you know what we’re talking about! Why would you ever willingly WANT to be one of those neighbors, you may ask? Well, it’s actually a very useful skill to have. Revenge on a pre-existing annoying neighbor, trying to get a neighbor to move away, or just to simply cure the problem of having too much time on your hands are all very valid reasons to know when to turn the anti-charm on. Hold on tight, here we go!

 

 

How to be an Annoying Neighbor

 

Tip 1.)  Use your children wisely…

Encourage your children to play as close as possible to your neighbor’s house. Be sure to purchase the latest loudest toys money can buy. Bonus annoyance is achieved if your children are members of their school marching band and can practice for several hours outdoors. If your neighbor isn’t a fan of children, ask them to babysit often. Even if they always say no, just the act of your multiple requests should really get under their skin.

 

Tip 2.) It’s not poop, it’s organic fertilizer. You’re welcome.

Allow your pets to do their business in the neighbors yard. If you have an outdoor cat, this is especially effective, as they are often naturally drawn to flower beds (the world’s prettiest litter box). When your neighbor complains, explain that their yard was looking puny (adding insult to injury) and that you were simply trying to fertilize their less-than-thriving blossoms.

 

Tip 3.) You are a NATURAL beauty…

Whenever the occasion presents itself for undressing, disrobe only in front of open windows with lots of lighting. (WARNING: This can backfire unless you possess a body in need of some repair, so use this tip with caution).

 

Tip 4.) You gotta make a living somehow…

Use your property to become a professional dog breeder. By keeping a few female dogs in heat in your backyard, all the other neighborhood dogs should go nuts hanging around outside your home barking.

 

Tip 5.) Share the green…

Not money, though. Grass. Whenever you mow, be sure to blow all clippings in the neighbor’s general direction. If you have to remove any rocks or branches from your yard prior to mowing, your neighbor’s yard is the ideal storing place for these unwanted items.

 

Tip 6.) You are just trying to be safe!

Be a total creeper. Watch your neighbor all the time, and constantly talk to them in a too-familiar manner. For example, with just a few moments observation from the nearest window, you can take note of the type of shoes your neighbor may favor, their morning habits, etc. The conversation would then follow something like this: “I really liked those shoes you were wearing Tuesday morning around 8:47. You should really carry your coffee in your other hand though. You almost spilled something on them.” Do this at least a couple times a week. They will feel watched and paranoid in the mornings to follow as you giggle from your window perch.

 

Of course, these are just a few quick tips to get you started. With a little imagination and a total lack of  consideration, you could easily move on to inventing and mastering your own techniques for neighborhood torture!

 

Just hope your neighbor isn’t one of these people…